Well we are 48 hours in and I have to say writing or even thinking about writing has had a strange effect. I would typically have these guys hounding me the majority of my day – judging me, abusing me, questioning me and questioning others. The guys, are the ones in my head. They are vague, I don’t fully understand what they are or who they are. I know one has a stronger voice than the rest and I know some of them even like me. But naturally as life would have it, the stronger one is the one who hates me.
I suppose I hate it, him, her, them. I haven’t really thought about it in those terms before. In the truest sense and in the most frank terms possible I have always hated myself, and by extension that means I hate them as well. They are me, as much as I am them. So does that mean I need to love them before they can love me? Can you love someone who is so bad to you?
One thing I know though is that this blog has been like a spotlight in a sewer. The rats are scattering and they’ve (so far) gone into hiding. Not a peep. Fearing the light like a vampire, or just waiting to see what happens? Either way its been a peaceful couple of days in the head (my head).
There could be other mitigating factors though, I am self employed and I got two new jobs lined up today. I have also been exhausted; jetlag, working and last month was hard mentally. I suppose the excitement of any new job could overwhelm even the most stubborn negative feelings, but to be honest I haven’t felt anything – positive or negative. Just cruising at the moment. Although I guess ironically that makes me anxious – or a little bit sceptical perhaps…