I would typically be the kind of person who is very introspective in thought. Looking at myself and my actions before those of others. I spend a lot of my time thinking about these things; thinking about myself, my girlfriend, my life, if I could of helped the old lady sooner, if I could of handled a situation differently. All of these things and more. Every day. Now this is nothing special and it’s nothing unique, I believe it to be very common in fact. However, the problem I keep facing is that my thoughts are deathly negative and so intrinsically linked to my emotions without any reason or basis.
I can be have a completely fine day, in fact a pleasant day, like today. Very productive, positive attitude and easy work, then the voice arises – “You’re nothing”. Vague and not even particularly uncommon in my head but for some reason I cant explain; it hurts, a lot. Right in the gut. Tingling down the fingers, with a wave of anxiety. It comes from nowhere, seemingly. Based on nothing. Nothing from nothing, you are nothing. The negative feeling is so unbearable your – no, my – next thought is death and why it couldn’t come soon enough.
Today was a good day, I did a lot, I enjoyed it, it was pleasant but these thoughts of death come from no where.
I’ve been down, I’ve had dark times and, if not appropriate, but understably those thoughts crossed my mind at those times. Now it just doesn’t make sense – why do they appear when I am so happy with my day, my life, my surroundings?
I’ve caught you out, I really have. In the past I knew it was a illness but as this happens more (happiness = dark thoughts) I realise it truly is an illness. It is not me. I mean it is me, but its never something I need to listen to because it’s illogical, it’s a malfunction, a mistake, a non-event.
The pocket mirror to many people will be something to help put on makeup or to pluck eyebrows. My pocket mirror is my brain, and it helps me to understand me a little more every day, like today.