Do you remember seesaws? I do. Unless you had a particular laissez faire uncle who would catapult you into the sky to unfathomable heights, they were no fun. It is not fun. I wake up and I’m finished before I begin. Emotionally the day is over, but wait; here ****, have a massive dose of happiness. And then sadness, oh but wait the happiness is back – is that a good day? Do you have these days?
I feel stupid for having these days, I do feel like Im back on the seesaw with the child version of me, he is just waiting expectantly but I don’t want to play because I know he will be disappointed. Mystery is always more exciting than reality. That is why films are ruined if you know what happens. And I know what happens. I know these days, I have had them a million times before*. But does that knowledge then make the days worse? It becomes this unnecessary overthink. I know what the day holds, which makes me depressed, but can I truly know? I think I know and that is enough.
I am sceptical of the highs I have throughout the day; where are they coming from? why are they here? naturally that’s not a great state to enjoy any moment – and therefore I dont.
So have I had an up and down day or just a down day? I actually don’t even know. I feel like I am sat on the end of the seesaw, opposite to the child version of me. Im sat down. Down. He is up but doesn’t know what is coming. Im such a heavy weight that the game can’t be fun no matter what happens.
My friend messaged and asked how my day was.
“Yeah not bad, you?” came the response. Decided he probably wasn’t in for 2 hours of seesaw chat.