#9 Conflict – ‘Not quite Nam’

There was a war today, in fact there were and almost certainly still are many wars happening today. This one though was in my head, and true to form for all wars, there weren’t any true victors. My brain is tired and whiney, and I’m sat here deflated, unsettled, unsure. And, as those people with anxiety will know, being unsure is not the place to be..

But certainty – ahhh! Certainty – what a wonderful friend you are. No where to be found today however.

The conflicts are not even so illogical (which is unusual for me, normally I’m arguing about impossibilities or hypotheticals). I live in Vienna, a city I love and in July I am moving to a new country. A new city and a new life I love very much.

So just to recap for the lazy readers.

Excited for new life + Going to miss this city = conflict 

All very logical stuff, but my emotions are playing tricks. I’m becoming reserved and reticent. Withdrawn even. I can feel myself getting  depressed. This is unfair because it’s not a true, or even reasonable reflection of what I truly want.

This is the illness. Nothing fits, nothing matches. My brain goes one way, emotions go another and I’m sat in the middle of the war zone like a figurative mental health refugee in my own mind.

It is at this point where there is a big disconnect between people trying to help and the people who need help. Because typically what comes from someone who wants to help me now would say ‘you live in a great city and you’re going to move to a wonderful country with a wonderful person’ – which is all true. But it’s said like it has any relationship to the illness. Like saying you shouldnt have chicken pox because you live In a great city. They’re not related. It is not logical, that is why it is an illness.

So I think we mark today down as a bad day. The first of the blog. 1 out of 9 ain’t bad though.


P.S I have everything ready for the tuxedo.

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