#11 Flip-Flopping – ‘All over the place’

flip-flop

/’flip-flip/

noun: flip-flop plural noun: flip-flops

  1. a light sandal, typically rubber or plastic.

verb: flip-flop present participle: flip-flopping past participle: flip-flopped.

  1. make an abrupt reversal.

Today was a flip-flopping day, in many ways. Over the weekend I typically  work with 6 people, 5 of them called to cancel or change times within 24 hours. Then 2 of them called back to cancel their cancellation. Cancellation nation. Now those things are easy to deal with when they are compared with anxiety or the demons within. They are mildly frustrating but they don’t get me down, they don’t affect my mood in the grand sense.

Today has been a flip-flopping day in my mind too though. It is the day of the grand ball in Vienna, and I am excited, but then not. And then I am again. I am nervous – but I am not sure what of. I don’t have problems with talking to people, in fact I don’t have to talk to anyone. I dont have to dance, and I don’t have to drink. I dont have to do anything. I can just be.

So why the flip-flopping I hear no one ask?

Sometimes I just never know what I am going to be like, I don’t know what mood will come out or how I will act. I can go really quiet, or I can be really social. I can jump around dancing or I can sit alone in silence. And to be completely honest I have no idea what I will be like tonight.

This is not normally a problem as I dont mind if I don’t feel at my best, I can just go home or be content not speaking. But I have a girlfriend now and I know she is excited. I am excited for her, but I know I have the potential to ruin her night. There is nothing worse than being excited for something and someone coming to burst your bubble. So right now I feel like I live in an inflatable world, where everyone and everything is inflatable and I am about to get dressed in a suit made of pins.

One false move and I let everyone down – quite literally. 

Now these are not certainties. Far from it, it could be great and I hope it is. One thing is certain, I will be looking sharp…

Ok that was a bad joke – pins are sharp. Lets just stick a pin in it. Sorry, cant help myself.

Mindfump.

P.S Do you ever go into situations not knowing which you will turn up?  – I’ll let you know which me turned up tomorrow.

Something older or something newer?

4 Comments

  1. theworrywarrior

    Beautifully put. And yes, I hate to say I am a natural flip-flopper because I can’t know in advance if Social Katherine will appear on the day, or if Introverted Katherine or Anxious Katherine will make an appearance. I’ve been making a real effort to follow through on the things I say yes to. Because I’ve realised just the act of following through can help those anxious feelings subside a little. And I feel stronger for seeing something through. I hope you have a wonderful time at the ball…and I imagine your girlfriend’s excitement may become contagious. But as you say, all you do is go there and be you. No show. No act. Just you. Have fun! x

    Liked by 1 person

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