I read not long ago about a thing called The Hum, and for those of you who couldn’t move a mouse far enough to click on that link, it is a noise. In fact it is a dull, low grade, hum. It is constant, supposedly it can be heard almost anywhere in the world. This deep and mysterious sound has both baffled and bemused people for decades. It has also said to have pushed people to insanity.
I hear a hum, here in my bedroom. Although you can hang up the call to Sherlock Holmes. The hum I hear is from my neighbours fridge, which is just slightly too close to the wall. It is not the only hum I hear however.
Mental Illness is the other hum.
It is a droning, constant noise, which sometimes goes unheard. But just like that fridge against my wall, once I am conscious of it, it is impossible to unhear it. Not only is it impossible to unhear it, it seems to get louder when I am conscious of it. Sometimes though I will go days and days without hearing anything. Naturally that is just before I annoy myself by remembering that I haven’t heard it for a while… only to then hear it and be stuck with it – again. Wishing, just like my neighbour’s fridge, that it will one day be turned down to a lower setting.
Sometimes I even think it does not exist, that I dont even have a neighbour or he doesn’t even like refrigerated food. That maybe my mental illness is actually that I think I have a mental illness.
Today has been one of those days. Maybe I am absolutely fine, the symptoms are not here. I’ve just been very solemn. Tomorrow is the day of the new job though, so it could just be the calm before the storm.
I did have high moments today though, real highs. Doing things which normal people probably do every day without thinking. Afterwards I was exhilarated. There were no signs of illness at all. However there are no signs of my neighbours fridge when I play music, or have any sound louder than a decibel. So maybe my happiness just drowned out the illness.
Either way it was a good day. Although writing about the hum has now made me so aware of it, that it now sounds like a nuclear generator.