Today is a ‘don’t know’ day. Do you have these? You think about your mood, your feeling, yourself and nothing comes back – you just don’t know. I take a look into that pocket mirror of a brain of mine and its just blackness, an abyss. That is not an abyss in the all consuming, ‘I am about to die’ abyss. It is more of a ‘I got up late for work, got ready faster than superman in a phone box and need to quickly check a mirror… only to annoyingly find that the mirror doesn’t work’ abyss. A black mirror, if you will.
There are probably a couple of reasons for this (thanks for asking). Firstly I was cold all day, and not in one of those ‘it is a bit chilly I think I’ll pop a cardigan on’ days. I mean a really cold day. It has actually been the coldest winter in Vienna for 30 years, apparently. One of the people I work for showed me a newspaper article to prove this exact point. Had they known I’d been walking across a frozen lake and river only 30 minutes earlier I don’t think they would of bothered. Even my Rudolph’s nose was a bit of a give away.
The best thing about the cold though is that, when I am cold, my brain just switches to the basics. Politely reminding me that this is not the optimal body temperature. Like a worried kid in a dingy when his uncle is trying enthusiastically to paddle past the wave break.
The other reason is because I am busy. Extremely busy to be more precise. 7am start to a currently 1.14am writing a blog session. Before waking up for work again in the morning. The tiredness is definitely a factor, even writing today has been a struggle. So my illness has no chance, although I am sure it has scheduled me in for a horrible episode when it is more rested.
I often separate myself from my illness, not only that, but I personify it as well. We have chats and we sometimes get along and sometimes we don’t get along. The thing I have noticed more than anything in the last few years is that I (me, not the illness) can withstand way more bodily extremes than it can. I can be cold, hot, tired, exhausted, hurt, or any other extreme and I always outlast my mental illness. It disappears, runs for the hills.
The downside of course, is that I am either too cold, too hot, too tired, too exhausted or too hurt to take advantage of it. Like now for instance.