Today is a ‘don’t know’ day. Do you have these? You think about your mood, your feeling, yourself and nothing comes back – you just don’t know. I take a look into that pocket mirror of a brain of mine and its just blackness, an abyss. That is not an abyss in the all consuming, ‘I am about to die’ abyss. It is more of a ‘I got up late for work, got ready faster than superman in a phone box and need to quickly check a mirror… only to annoyingly find that the mirror doesn’t work’ abyss. A black mirror, if you will.
There are probably a couple of reasons for this (thanks for asking). Firstly I was cold all day, and not in one of those ‘it is a bit chilly I think I’ll pop a cardigan on’ days. I mean a really cold day. It has actually been the coldest winter in Vienna for 30 years, apparently. One of the people I work for showed me a newspaper article to prove this exact point. Had they known I’d been walking across a frozen lake and river only 30 minutes earlier I don’t think they would of bothered. Even my Rudolph’s nose was a bit of a give away.
The best thing about the cold though is that, when I am cold, my brain just switches to the basics. Politely reminding me that this is not the optimal body temperature. Like a worried kid in a dingy when his uncle is trying enthusiastically to paddle past the wave break.
The other reason is because I am busy. Extremely busy to be more precise. 7am start to a currently 1.14am writing a blog session. Before waking up for work again in the morning. The tiredness is definitely a factor, even writing today has been a struggle. So my illness has no chance, although I am sure it has scheduled me in for a horrible episode when it is more rested.
I often separate myself from my illness, not only that, but I personify it as well. We have chats and we sometimes get along and sometimes we don’t get along. The thing I have noticed more than anything in the last few years is that I (me, not the illness) can withstand way more bodily extremes than it can. I can be cold, hot, tired, exhausted, hurt, or any other extreme and I always outlast my mental illness. It disappears, runs for the hills.
The downside of course, is that I am either too cold, too hot, too tired, too exhausted or too hurt to take advantage of it. Like now for instance.
Mindfump.
Something old or something different?
I have those days too, have not had for quite a while but I still do. I know the feeling with the cold you describe too.Always after extended period of intense living. It can be a good feeling too in a way.. Glad you see you are stronger than your illness in that way. Maybe one day you will crush it and burn to ash and then to be sure send the ashes to sun.
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Most of my days “don’t know” days…but I’m fighting them. Eh
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I like thinking of my illnesses as some uninvited occupants. We have a lot of conversations. Sometimes they win, sometime I win. Ultimately, I’m in charge and since I’m still alive, I think I’ve got more wins than they do!! ❤
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I do the same thing! this is so true. I am actually writing my next blog post now and it is along those lines. Love it!
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I have written about it in my blog if you want to check it out… It’s titled “Truth and Lies (and how I survive). I’ll be watching for your new post!!
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Fabulous – as soon as I am done I will go take a peak. Thank you.
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