It is time for a major scientific announcement. The first on my blog – many more to come I am sure. I discovered that gravity on earth differs dramatically from place to place. This in itself, is not a new thing, as I am sure you are already aware. Because as you know, you actually weigh 0.5% more at the north pole than at the equator.
What I discovered today though are gravitational changes far greater than have ever been previously recorded. I have found a specific spot where I weigh 1182.05% more*. And that spot is my bed. I cannot explain this anomaly. Most days when I wake up I weigh 78kg. Today I was 1000kg. I could not get up. Not through force of will or lack of desire but because my body weighed 1000kg. This is particularly odd because I didn’t wake up depressed. As everyone already knows, your body weight rises to 1000kg when you’re depressed.
That is why it is so hard to do anything. You can’t do normal things. Even when you attempt it, other people complain, they say ‘you are just lazy’ or that ‘you dont even try’. Try doing the dishes when you weigh a thousand kilos and tell me I am lazy.
It literally took me 2 hours and 47 minutes to get out of bed, that is after I woke up 2 hours later than normal. This disturbance in gravity followed me round for a little while afterwards as well. I was so heavy – everything was difficult. The tiredness never really left me and as a reward for all this? I was greeted with a lovely bout of anxiety when I was at work. Just a short burst. 20 minutes, out of no where. Like a bully who has forgotten he hasn’t punched you in a while.
My mind decided that apropos of nothing it should tell me I am sexually inept. No proof, no secret conversations with my girlfriend, no evidence whatsoever, but there you go Mindfump, deal with that. And I did – Never let them win.
*on certain mornings
UPDATE! Now ex-girlfriend