When I was a kid, one of my fondest memories was in my grandparents back garden. My Grandad, using what seemed like 1/3 of the towns oxygen supply, would blow up a Rubber Dinghy. He would partially fill it with cold water, followed by 4 boiled kettles worth of hot water, thus producing the perfect swimming temperature. We (my brother and I) would eventually stop for lunch, get warm and get distracted with toys, which would lead to the inevitable question; Do you want to leave the dinghy up or are you finished?
Decision time. Spoiler. I always made the wrong choice. If I choose to go back in the dinghy it was never as fun as the first time and if I choose to stay inside playing Kerplunk, I missed the novelty of the dinghy.
Today I put myself in a position where I had to make a decision that resulted in me having another swim. You see, my girlfriend and I, like to mess around. Or have fun, as some people call it. And whilst I do not have a pool, I do have a kitchen. When I was in there cleaning up today, she was trying to annoy me – dancing in front of me, singing and screeching*. Standard stuff. No time to panic, I have compiled a few strategies to deal with the situation.
Outweird the weird, go in hard on the dance. Pop moves until she is embarrassed or laughs – victory.
B) Do nothing, especially no laughing.
Do not give her the satisfaction of even a smirk. The slightest quiver of a lip and it has made her day. Not to mention she will start to think she is funny.
C) Walk away in faux disgust
This is often an ineffective method, as it results in me being followed, usually with the line ‘What’s wrong Mindfump*? Don’t you find your girlfriend attractive?’. As she continues to dance – defeated.
OK, so thats the normal decision tree. 3 options, pick one. Commit. We all have fun, woo woo. Today was different however, I decided to introduce a 4th option.
D) Pretend to find it funny, mock her and say ‘no wonder you were single when we met, no guy would go near that in a nightclub’, I then went on to tell her to show me how she would actually come on to guys in a nightclub.
Which she did.
As soon as I said it, my lips came off my face to try and grab the words. It was too late, I was now swimming in this pool of anxiety and insecurity – which I had constructed. And It wasn’t a rubber dinghy. It was a full size olympic pool, equipped with a diving board section, wave pool and a big water slide. All I could do was stand there as the insecurity waves gently slapped my face.
All was well in the end, I didn’t drown. I just had to sit back and marvel at the way in which I cause my own problems. The voices stopped remarkably quickly, but if I get asked whether I want to go back and play in the pool, I shall stick with Kerplunk.
*Oh she’s a dream
*My girlfriend doesn’t call me Mindfump.
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