Brain Review: Social Anxiety Dad

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Having failed to contact the seller, I am afraid that this review remains my final means of retort for what has proven to be a highly conflicting purchase. Despite Royal Mail keeping up their end of the bargain and delivering my new brain in speedy fashion, I opened my supposed cerebral upgrade, only to be immediately hit by the punishing humiliation of buyer’s remorse. 

What I was looking at, was the neurological equivalent of the time my previous brain decided I was in desperate need of a David Bowie Labyrinth statue.  It just never managed to match the excitement I had felt at the point of purchase. If Bowie was busy querying Life on Mars, I was busy hoping that there was simply life inside of this box.

My brand new brain was rattling freely inside of its packaging, ironically marked “fragile” for an extra dose of exasperation.  Far from a good start, but my initial inspection suggested that there was no direct damage to the organ itself. How wrong I was…

*note to seller* When selling brains as “Brand New”, please ensure that they meet this standard. The one  you have sold to me have arrived with a disposition for procrastination, addiction and general mental malaise.

Trying my new ball of nerves on for size, I found myself delighted with its indoor performance. With the body firmly strapped into a warm, quiet and safe environment, the brain is capable of carrying out basic numerical calculations, perform rudimentary household functions and even stay awake during conversations with the wife.

*Further note to seller* The brain you have sold to me has an unfortunate slant towards the misogynistic. It amazes me that they are being designed in this way, manufactured and then sold, in 2017… for shame!

Since the moment of successful installation, such misogyny has been further compounded by the brains insistence that it regularly needs to update its more sexually oriented areas. Sexual thought appears to be an almost constant presence when the brain is active, with either brief flashes of NSFW images or prolonged thoughts taking up hours of any given day. Whilst not suited to my personal requirements, this I assume to be a perfectly normal function of the standard male brain available on the market today. My last model operated in a near identical manner, so no complaints there.

Sadly, it is at this point that the complaints do begin. The brain operated without major fault on ‘indoor mode’, it soon became apparent that the advertised “outdoor safe” functionality of the device was highly questionable; either faulty or just entirely out of order. Considering the loose connection upon switching modes, and the mounting evidence, i think the latter to be a safe assumption.

Leaving the house, the new model fires millions upon millions of unnecessary synapses. Seemingly confused, the brain begins to inflict the body with all of the symptoms of a pure and omnipotent panic. A parade of involuntary commands see my body dripping with sweat, shaking with violent weakness and somehow thoroughly out of control. To make matters worse, the brain seems convinced that, in these moments, a mass evacuation of blood is an obligatory necessity. Surely this cannot be the intended function of this device, should I need to deal with the outside world, being white as a sheet is not providing the best means by which to cope.

In this state, I have been forced to return to a safe indoor environment, only for the brain to, once again, become more reliable. It clearly worked correctly at some point, but I have come to the conclusion that this “brand new” model has had one of two reckless prior owners.

So, what now? Well, it looks like I’m stuck with it. I could go back to the old brain; but frankly, memories of the irregular twitches that thing set off around the face region, remind me that I made this latest purchase for a reason. Besides, having spent more time with social anxiety brain 2.0, I’m starting to like it’s little quirks;

It gets scared easily and feels guilty for burdening others with the consequence of its fear.

It harbours resentment and regret. It judges itself.

It gets easily embarrassed, but it cares more.

It thinks too much, but everyone is given thought.

It hurts too much, but, it likes a lot.

It smiles and it loves and it laughs a lot.

It is utterly broken. It also just about manages to work.

Social Anxiety Dad
Twitter: socialanxtdad
Instagram: socialanxietydad

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