#79 Disheartened – ‘Bad At My Job’

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I‘ve been bad at a lot of jobs. There was the first time my Mum asked me to put the bins out for instance. Being a rather young chap with no experience or qualifications for the role, I literally went to where the bins were and took out the bin bags one by one. My mum woke up the next morning to find about 12 plastic bags of rubbish all over the garden. So it is fair to say I started young in my mis-adventures of bad jobness (and bad spellingness).

It didn’t necessarily improve as I got older either. Recently I talked about rushing to a job interview when my car suddenly broke down, despite that, I did in fact get that job. Congratulations! You get to do 12 hour nightshifts at a local factory – but not just any factory, the best factory in town!*.

My job was to apply a small plastic sticker within some lines on little metal boxes. A simple job, but I was reminded quite regularly that my inability to stick a sticker within some lines was costing the company thousands. I of course, argued that lines were a figurative construct of the machine in order to contain us and control us. That without expansion and simultaneous adjustments to the meta, a new perspective on human development could never be achieved. Our creative outlets cannot and must not be suppressed without dire subcultural consequences – I say there are no lines, there are only limits we willing impose on ourselves, like birds closing the door to their own cage. He said there are lines and I need to put the stickers in between them.

We parted company shortly afterwards.

Then there was the time I wrote copy for my universities marketing material, after 2 months in job they sent me for, and paid for an expensive test to check for dyslexia, because my writing was that bad. I wouldn’t describe the mood in the office so much as relief when the results came back that I wasn’t dyslexic, it was more something along the lines of disbelief.

Naturally I took all these setbacks onboard and did precisely nothing about it.

There is a good reason for this. I never truly believed I was bad at the jobs, I was of course, doing a bad job, but that does not speak for my capability to do a good job. I can write well and, I’m not trying to being immodest here, I can also stick stickers inside lines too. I do still struggle putting the bins out though. The garden is a mess*. The point is, I just never cared enough about the jobs to put in 100% effort, or even 43% in most cases.

I’m disheartened today. Disheartened because I am not very good at my current job. I am a private teacher and whilst no one has told me that I’m bad directly, they have given me more signals than one of those air traffic controllers with those funny table tennis bat things. I will be honest and say it is hard to disagree with them either, I am not qualified for the job and I am certainly not naturally talented enough to intuitively improve. In the past I knew I could do better, but with this job I don’t think that is true, at least not without proper training.

Each day I fight the voices of mental illness who are trying to fill me with self-doubt and insecurity. I’ve learned over the years that these voices happen whether it is true or not, So I now pay no heed. Today though, the voices seemed to be get a lot of validation. They’re getting the validation from other people, inferring that I am insufficient in my role. So I feel a sense of resigned guilt, depressed even. I will of course try harder, but I just know this industry isn’t where my skills lie.

There is hope though, there is a silver lining, and that is Donald Trump. He is my canary down the mine, if someone that bad at a job can still keep their job, and a significant one at that, then I know I’ll be OK. Although that now puts me in a position where I have an incentive for him to stay in power. I’m oh-so conflicted, not to mention tomorrow is bin day. Uh-oh.

Mindfump.

*Bragging.

*Thats not true, I actually don’t have a garden, I live on the 3rd floor of an apartment block.

 

 

Read more, its good for you.

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25 Comments

    1. Mindfump

      Now that is something I can get on board with. Your words are very flattering though 🙂 I just need to find someone to pay me for it and I’m golden. I just hope more people follow their heart, money or no money.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Devon

    YOU ARE AWESOME, never forget that! Great post. I completely understand when the voices inside start to be other people’s voices. Just talk louder (internally), keep writing, and if that isn’t enough for whatever reason, start over the next day. Then again I’m a hot mess myself and a work in progress. Just know you are not alone. FYI…most jobs suck anyway.

    Like

  2. liveloverunagain

    You are awesome at writting.
    I am a waitress at the momment and often make mistakes with orders.Especially recently.I do work harf thoigh and put so much effort it..Some one told me “you shouldn’t be a waitress, your not good at it.It’s hard not to be disheartened especially when it means a lot to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mindfump

      Thank you, your kind words are appreciated. You’re right it is tough, but I think only you know if you can do the job or not so don’t pay too much heed to other people. Something that is easier said than done obviously.

      Like

  3. Carolina

    I’ve been meaning to drop by. I LOVE this article. I got fired because I couldn’t make a hot dog fast enough. It was so messy and gross! I loved the sticker and lines bit. I worked on an assembly line that made microwaves and my job was to screw on the power cord. I was a little slower because I read from my history book at the same time. I was always reprimanded and finally told them I felt my brain dying with each power cord. They still let me keep the job though. I’m glad you followed my blog and will read yours daily. Thanks for making me aware of your blog; you are a great writer with lots of humor. Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mindfump

      Very nice of you to drop by 🙂 and thank you! That is very kind. I have had far too many mind numbing jobs in my life, I feel like you. They just waste away your brain cells. Love that you will be here following! I love your logo as well by the way. Thanks again for your kind words.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Rebecca

    Well I am excellent at the my job but absolutely vehemently DO NOT want to do it….. But for lack of better option I stick around. Are you passionate about your job, then find a way to improve. If not, stick around till you find what you are passionate about (ya, we still gotta pay the bills… )

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mindfump

      Bills do need to be paid, I think as long as we, even with a job, still strive to get a one we would like to do we shouldn’t drive ourselves round the bend too much. Although I love your confidence haha, I need some of that.

      Liked by 1 person

          1. Rebecca

            I run a tourist company. Activities and accommodation. I am apparently very lovable to these people even though I would like to punch most of them in the face….. punching people makes for bad press so I refrain…

            Liked by 1 person

          2. Rebecca

            I so so so so so SO want to be a puncher-in-the-facerer!!!! My true calling in life…. I’ll put an add out tomorrow. I feel like I would need to move to USA for that kind of job though…. more people need punching there than anywhere else in the world.

            Liked by 1 person

  5. Anonymous

    I enjoyed you’re writing a lot! The relation of your current career in my own is quite startling, but feels nice to be able to relate to a story so specifically.

    Liked by 1 person

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