#91 Perspective – ‘Social Anxiety’

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I‘m not so precious with possessions, that is to say that I care less and I don’t hold products in high regard. Don’t get me wrong, I admit they can be alluring if not useful, but equally they are just things. When I was younger I’d often go around to friends houses and find that I was not allowed to use certain cups or mugs or plates because they were for ‘special occasions’. Then there was other people’s dads who were so protective over their car that I would feel guilty for even stepping in it.

It should be noted however, that there is definitely a line between not being precious and disrespect. I’d never purposely or deliberately misuse something just because I am not precious about it. I’d still try to get the full use out of something. But equally I’d never restrict usage for any reason. Or that is at least what I would say to my mother before revealing I’d obliterated the screen of my new phone.

Something, which I did a little while ago.

This phone has had a particularly bad life. I had it 3 months before the first drop, and that first drop didn’t damage the screen, but it did some how land very specifically on the lock button. The lock button is now permanently depressed, meaning it is now an accurate physical representation of my mental state.

I sincerely hope that it is not quite a voodoo phone, as not three months later I dropped the phone again, which resulted in the obliteration of the screen, mentioned earlier. Interestingly after this obliteration, in which the phone still worked, my sense of worry for the phone vanished. The rate of drops increased dramatically after that, and now the phone is not quite looking or running the way Apple originally intended.

Besides the annoyance of the screen, the only problem with it is that the phone turns off randomly on its own. Couple this with a permanently depressed lock button and you have a phone that tries to turn on and off constantly, with my only saving grace being a charger – it breaks the cycle.

Today I didn’t take my lifeline, my charger. We drove up to Galway for a day to hang out with friends and family. It was a great day, but because of the phone I have no photographic evidence of anything, and I was never able to check emails or text messages. Had I been able to check my phone, which I have only been able to do 2 minutes prior to writing this, I would have seen the messages and emails from family telling me that my grandmother has had a massive stroke and heart attack.

I am from a young family, my parents are just into their 50s and my grandmother is just into her 70s. The majority of my family is Scottish, and a significant amount of my childhood memories are of me visiting, or staying with my Gran in Scotland, for what seemed like endless summers. She is a feisty woman, with a sharp tongue, never to be crossed. She is wicked in her manner, but also in her humour. Given all the dark days in her life she still finds time to laugh and share. She went blind a good few years ago but she is as invulnerable as ever. I’d never wish anyone to go through what she is going through right now, but if anyone is strong enough, wicked enough and feisty enough to fight through this, it is she.

My post today was going to be about social anxiety and how today provided a new perspective on how far I had come with my social anxiety. I was able to chat and meet new people confidently and calmly all day, something I could rarely do growing up. The news today though provided me with even more perspective. After all, It is just anxiety and it is just meeting friends. My mind is as silent as it has ever been, because it knows I will be lucky enough to feel socially anxious once again – a privilege my Gran may never have. I post today with nothing but love and admiration for her and I wish nothing but the best for her, whether it is here or elsewhere.

I love you Gran.

Mindfump.

 

Read more, its good for you.

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#77 Emotion – ‘The Mental Illness Robot’

The Problem With Feminism

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