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The hunting season has begun. The move to Ireland is only a few months away, and I need to sort out myself a form of income. I knew this would come eventually but I am a little surprised at exactly how quickly it has happened. I’m rather under prepared. I’m not much of a hunter you see. The ‘Alpha’ males out there will put that down to evolutionary selection processes changing in humans, whereby hunter gathering skills are no longer a relevant selectable criteria, which allows me to survive. Or they would if they had a brain cell between them.
I’m not a hunter though, because the dog eat dog world only ends with dead dogs, and I’d kind of like them to be around. We don’t need to have this society where double crossing, lying and posturing is respected. We don’t need to, but we do. Being self employed, and not working for a company/boss for the last 4 years has definitely relaxed me. I’ve purposely taken myself out of that environment, and I will endeavour to take myself out of it again in the future. Unfortunately for me, I will need to work for someone in the immediate future on arrival in Ireland.
So how do I prepare for that? Well, I’m glad you asked.
What I do is I stand in front of the mirror every morning in my best power pose, and I grit my teeth. I do this whilst staring at myself intensely. I shout ‘SUCCESS WILL NOT FIND YOU! YOU MUST FIND SUCCESS! BE THE SUCCESS YOU WANT TO BE, YOU ARE AN ALPHA MALE!’. I buy GQ magazine, and pick out a selection of power ties. I begin a strict regime of waking up early; running at dawn, climb flights of stairs and completing 500 sit ups before breakfast. You cannot be powerful, unless you feel powerful. I practice linguistic tricks and dominant handshake positions. I practice walking into rooms, they become my room; be the room, you are a room, there is no room, what is a room? vroom vroom!
OK, that is not what I actually do. What I actually do is; get extremely anxious at the thought of even applying for jobs.
I get crippled by it. I’m like a wet spinach leaf. Strangely and specifically my job search anxiety goes for the bowls. It is instant, there’s Instant movement in the bowls. I begin to sweat and my mind goes hazy. The anxiety becomes more intense and the first page of job results will do now, I don’t need to check anymore. Those jobs are fine. Window cleaner; nail salon technician, yep, fine for me. Wheres the nearest bathroom?
I’ve never really understood this anxiety – it is very ambiguous. If I get social anxiety, it is because I am worried about what I will say, what I look like, what I am doing etc. If I get anxiety before public speaking or driving, it is for similar reasons. Where does it come from regarding the job search?* I don’t particularly care what job I do (when I know it is temporary), and I don’t care too much about interviews. It is just the search bit, the logging on and looking at jobs bit, that makes me anxious.
So that was today, daring myself to move the mouse to the search bar for jobs in Ireland. I get a gluteus twitch just typing that. Today was a failure on that front, but it will come, and I will just have to get through it. The only thing I got through today was a schokoschnecke, a bag of vegetable crisps and a vegan ice cream. So all in all the day was not a complete waste.