#104 Avoidance – ‘Job Hunting With Anxiety’

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he hunting season has begun. The move to Ireland is only a few months away, and I need to sort out myself a form of income. I knew this would come eventually but I am a little surprised at exactly how quickly it has happened. I’m rather under prepared. I’m not much of a hunter you see. The ‘Alpha’ males out there will put that down to evolutionary selection processes changing in humans, whereby hunter gathering skills are no longer a relevant selectable criteria, which allows me to survive. Or they would if they had a brain cell between them.

I’m not a hunter though, because the dog eat dog world only ends with dead dogs, and I’d kind of like them to be around. We don’t need to have this society where double crossing, lying and posturing is respected. We don’t need to, but we do. Being self employed, and not working for a company/boss for the last 4 years has definitely relaxed me. I’ve purposely taken myself out of that environment, and I will endeavour to take myself out of it again in the future. Unfortunately for me, I will need to work for someone in the immediate future on arrival in Ireland.

So how do I prepare for that? Well, I’m glad you asked.

What I do is I stand in front of the mirror every morning in my best power pose, and I grit my teeth. I do this whilst staring at myself intensely. I shout ‘SUCCESS WILL NOT FIND YOU! YOU MUST FIND SUCCESS! BE THE SUCCESS YOU WANT TO BE, YOU ARE AN ALPHA MALE!’. I buy GQ magazine, and pick out a selection of power ties. I begin a strict regime of waking up early; running at dawn, climb flights of stairs and completing 500 sit ups before breakfast.  You cannot be powerful, unless you feel powerful. I practice linguistic tricks and dominant handshake positions. I practice walking into rooms, they become my room; be the room, you are a room, there is no room, what is a room? vroom vroom!

OK, that is not what I actually do. What I actually do is; get extremely anxious at the thought of even applying for jobs.

I get crippled by it. I’m like a wet spinach leaf. Strangely and specifically my job search anxiety goes for the bowls. It is instant, there’s Instant movement in the bowls. I begin to sweat and my mind goes hazy. The anxiety becomes more intense and the first page of job results will do now, I don’t need to check anymore. Those jobs are fine. Window cleaner; nail salon technician, yep, fine for me. Wheres the nearest bathroom?

I’ve never really understood this anxiety – it is very ambiguous. If I get social anxiety, it is because I am worried about what I will say, what I look like, what I am doing etc. If I get anxiety before public speaking or driving, it is for similar reasons. Where does it come from regarding the job search?* I don’t particularly care what job I do (when I know it is temporary), and I don’t care too much about interviews. It is just the search bit, the logging on and looking at jobs bit, that makes me anxious.

So that was today, daring myself to move the mouse to the search bar for jobs in Ireland. I get a gluteus twitch just typing that. Today was a failure on that front, but it will come, and I will just have to get through it. The only thing I got through today was a schokoschnecke, a bag of vegetable crisps and a vegan ice cream. So all in all the day was not a complete waste.


*Rhetorical question.



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  1. Anonymous

    I’ve been away for a while now and I think it will be difficult for me get back into the swing of things at home. Also, i’m worried about finding a job!! eeek!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. MJ Brewer

    Yeah, I’ve found that searching for the right job is tough if you aren’t good at sales. I mean, you’re basically selling your own abilities and trying not to sound haughty at the same time. The problem for me is that when I say I can do something, people tend to feel as if I’m bragging, I think.

    My education is in writing — specific to film, mostly. I had two jobs I was shooting for, a bookkeeper for an acting agency and a manager at a quick loan company. Because I wanted the first job so badly, I nagged the hell out of the guy telling him all the ways I was indispensable. Eventually, he showed me how dispensable I was by not hiring me. But, because I must provide for my two kids, I wound up taking the other job.

    No, I haven’t given up on myself. I have posters throughout my home telling me how worthwhile I am, some of them have sayings of inspiration from experts, and I have my degree hanging above my desk. I do the whole mirror thing you’re speaking of as well, and even have a sign on my ceiling above where I sleep so I see it first thing in the morning. (Sure, I have to put my glasses on to read, and by then, I’m already sitting up.) But I feel totally beaten down. That’s hard to admit when you have two kids you’re supposed to set an example for.

    On that note, on being an example, I can’t quit. I don’t think you should either. There’s really no legitimate reason to quit. All you can do is learn from past failures of what NOT to do next time. Learn from it. Grow. Do better next time. And keep doing it ’til you get it. NO TRYING! That isn’t enough. You can’t stop until you are the person you truly deserve to be!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Paul Green

      That is tough, I think even for people without children following a dream or an ideal job can be difficult. There’s the pressure of bills etc, but with children it just increases that pressure tenfold. I’m sending a lot of respect your way with regards to keep the dream alive and still aiming for the things you want. It is inspiring and I know I won’t be giving up either.

      Although in this instance the task is much easier especially as this next job is not about a dream or anything major I just need any job.

      Thank you for the fabulous comment and I am sure you will get there!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ann Hernandez

    If I could get paid for job searching, that would make things a whole bunch easier than actually applying for a job. I’m almost the complete opposite to you, I find the job search relaxing and fun. It’s the interviewing part that’ll get me in the bowls. Loved reading this!

    Liked by 1 person

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