#105 Depressionless – ‘Wandering Around The Happiness Cupboard’

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I‘m still here, in happiness. Or whatever you call it. It is quite unfamiliar territory I must say. The last time that I had such a sustained period of happiness I was training for an Ironman triathlon. I wouldn’t even say that was happiness, more that I just had so little energy all of the time, that zero emotion, positive or negative, could escape my very being.

I feel like I’ve found this place by accident. I’ve lived in this body for 28 years now and for whatever reason I never noticed that big wardrobe in the corner of my mind before. Not only did I not see this metaphorical wardrobe I didn’t notice that I’d walked into it*. Suddenly I am in Narnia, a kind of happiness Narnia.

I’m yet to make friends with a lion, although I would say a friendly lion is an apt metaphor for anxiety. Sitting  patiently and quietly beside me, but both I and it know it could rip my face off at any moment. It hasn’t though, my face is intact. So here I am just wandering around this new world in all it’s majesty. I should also say I haven’t met an evil witch called Tilda Swinton Jadis.

Lions and witches – and wardrobes for that matter were never my thing growing up, they fell into the realms of goblins and wizards. Not my bag. This wasn’t because I was sitting around reading Kafka and Jane Austin, in fact it was because I was never much of a reader at all. I despised it. I was more of a ‘Generation Game’ kid. Or a only-watches-TV-exclusively-all-day-and-all-the-time kid. Surprisingly, this would hamper me in school, especially when we had to read something.

I was 10, and I was doing my English SATs (Seriously Awful Tests) and we were given a booklet, and an answer booklet. The teacher told us the rules and started her watch, then she said ‘you may now open page 1’, So off I went, delving into the world of English literature. It was strange though, as there were really detailed questions and they were asking a lot, but there wasn’t a lot of relevant information in the text to go on. I wasn’t much of a reader so I didn’t want to make a fuss and ask. I just assumed that this is probably what books for 10 year olds are like – steeped in metaphor and deep meaning.

After the test I spoke with my friends of how difficult it was, but they seemed to know so much more detail than I, and I couldn’t quite figure out how. Turns out the teacher meant open page 1, and all of the other pages as well. So that means I did my full English literature exam based on a 1 paragraph synopsis – which I actually think deserves a certain amount of credit and respect. My teachers didn’t share that view.

Part of me wishes I’d actually seen or read The Lion, Witch and The Wardrobe, as I suspect this metaphorical dance between happiness, depression and anxiety has legs. Unfortunately for you and for me, the first paragraph of Wikipedia only gave me those details. Details, which you could have probably surmised from the title. Which means 17 years after learning this exact lesson, I have done precisely nothing about it.


*This is a not completely obviously reference to The Lion, Witch and The Wardrobe. 

Read more, it’s good for you.

#98 BONUS – ‘The Post-Post Post’

Why People Hide Their Mental Health Illness

A Non-Specific Amount of Reasons Why ‘Reasons Why’ Posts Are A Load of Nonsense


  1. S. Hansen

    One could say we were very different children, I had the full Narnia collection and have read The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe several times. But actually that’s because I kept starting the collection and never making it much further that the 2nd book… I was too busy playing outside or playing video games for boring stuff like reading.
    Obviously I know think quite differently.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. S. Hansen

        I played a lot of GTA, I think the original games seemed harmless enough to the parents as all they ever saw was me driving around badly on a top down game that looked like it was designed on paint. So they didn’t object when an older brother got me a copy of GTA: Vice City… that’s when I took up chainsaw massacres and golf buggy police chases. My childhood was a wild ride!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Mindfump

          During my speech as best man at my brothers wedding I revealed to my parents (and everyone else) for the first time that when the playstation 2 came out, we asked for it for Christmas, but about a month before Christmas we found it hidden in my parents bedroom. We then came home every lunchtime from school to play it for an hour. We opened it on christmas day and we had completed about half of GTA 3.

          Liked by 2 people

          1. S. Hansen

            Hahaha that is amazing. You’re gamer status was solidified at a young age, and there must have been some serious present face going on at Christmas. Oh wow thanks for this amazing gift I definitely didn’t know you got me.

            Liked by 1 person

          2. Mindfump

            haha, natural born actors. Seeing it finally revealed to my parents at the wedding was a sight. Also as an update to the poster I will send, I’ve had trouble getting one copy in the right size. The amount of shops I’ve been to. It will come though, next week hopefully.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Renata

    There are witches too and lots of metaphors. It’s so strange that there’s this tendency for children’s books to be about animals or special celebrations. Why do certain subjects have to be so unclear or not developed at all in those books? Like sex, gender drugs etc. I don’t why certain parents insist on showing their kids’ elephants and flowers as if there were nothing else out there in the world (aka the Internet)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mindfump

      Animals are a pretty neutral way to explain a lot of topics without getting into merky waters which would be tread if humans were used in the story. Or that is my thought anyway, it removes a layer of discussion to get to the basics – what children need. But then again I just like elephants.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Rebecca

    I have a secret room in my head called the ‘imagination room’. Sometimes the door is locked for whatever reason…. I have not figured out yet who has the key, it just opens up every once in a while and I sneak in. It is super duper happy in there!! I’m always hoping that whoever has the key will unintentionally lock me in but it hasn’t happened yet.

    I guess that’s kind of like your wardrobe…
    Anyway. The door to my room has been open for a few days now and my bananas are talking to me 🙂 If you are interested to know what my room is like you can see it here https://myfacesoflife.wordpress.com/2017/04/25/the-stories-part-20/

    Liked by 1 person

  4. fortyandeverythingafter

    Love this post. It made me laugh out loud. I actually did read the Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe a lot as a child. I loved it. The whole gentle anxiety lion beside me which may rip my face off any minute may have changed my perspective on it somewhat, but nevertheless, a most enjoyable read (your post and the book itself 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Paul Sunstone

    Books were my addiction growing up. But you see, my mother tricked me into that. She refused to buy my brothers and me a TV until we all had started reading. We begged, we pleaded, we whined, but no TV. Dancing in our heads were visions of the bliss a TV would bring. Finally, after we’d all started reading, she kept her promise and we got a TV!

    Yet, after a couple months of it, the novelty wore off and we were back to reading.

    Liked by 1 person

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