#119 Anticipation – ‘Anxiety Is Not Always A Bad Thing’ 

I do enjoy the post anxious phase, and to be clear here, I’m talking about Hollywood anxiety. The kind you get before a presentation or before a big game. The kind which is neither debilitating nor stigmatised, in fact the main character will just sweat a little, grimace, maybe clench a fist… then give the best performance of anything ever, every time. 

Exactly like reality. 

As I’ve got older*, I realise anticipation and Hollywood anxiety are just par for the course when approaching new situations. It could be that I’m doing my first ever presentation, asking a girl out for the first time, or my personal worst ‘first’: using an ATM machine. Once you’ve done these things a few times the anxiety reduces and the build up before the event in future dissipates. You ultimately just get better at whatever it is. I even adore the feeling after such an event, when you get a rush of relief, not to mention you have had the gift of learning something.

Learning something and reliefing*, who doesn’t love that? 

That’s all well and good when there is a benefit, when going through the anxiety brings you some kind of reward. Such as being able to access any of the money you’ve accumulated in your bank account. But what happens if there’s no reward? Well you’re just a donkey without a carrot and a stick, and everyone knows a donkey without a carrot and a stick, is just a stickless carrot ass.
I’m a stickless carrot ass. 

The anxiety has been kicking in today, just a few sharp spikes on the Official Anxigraph* reading. It is for good reason though, I’m about to do something new, something I’ve never done before, but there’s no stick or carrot involved. 

Tomorrow is the day of the funeral. I’ve never been to one before and that is a good thing, I’m very lucky. But it also means I’m going into a new situation which I am very anxious about, how the day Will go? What will happen? How sad will it be? Will I drop the coffin?
This time I don’t want to go through the anxiety, I don’t want to get used to funerals and I don’t want to be ‘better’ at them. The usual post-anxiety relief will not be there either, because my Gran will not come back with us. The best case scenario is that I don’t drop the coffin, or I find a carrot. 

Mindfump.

*This is the name of a device that I made up but would imagine is the legitimate name for something that measures anxiety.

*New word.

*The oh so wise age of 28.

P.S Currently in Scotland for said funeral, and don’t have a laptop, so no picture today (or tomorrow)

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23 Comments

  1. jessmadisson

    I dread funerals. To think there will be more in the future to attend makes my stomach drop, and I put my brain in lala land hoping everyone never passes. But, I wish you luck with holding that coffin, and rip for your Gran.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Carlene W.

    My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your Gran. I am so glad you were able to see her before her passing. I can tell you from my experience, funerals are sad and rightfully so. I have been to more than I would have ever hoped to be and know there will be more in the future. But there are also times of laughter when you remember the person who you loved and care for so deeply and good memories are shared. I have no worries about you holding and carrying the coffin, it will hold such precious cargo.
    Lord, please be with this family as they lay their loved one to rest. Pour out your peace upon them and be with them as they grieve the loss they fell. In Jesus name. Amen.
    Many blessings to you. You don’t have to worry about what is the right way to feel, whatever you are feeling in the moment is right for each one of us. God bless you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Paul Sunstone

      Carlene is right, Paul. Don’t worry about the right way to feel. There is no right way. Everyone of us grieves in our own way.

      I know this might sound odd, but funerals tend to help. Not always, but generally. At least that’s been my experience.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Working on wiser

    *hugs* I have only ever been to one funeral and it was my moms. I don’t know if it ever gets easier, but I’m with you , I don’t want it to.

    Also, your description of a stickless carrotless ass to describe Anxiety for no learning or growing purpose made me laugh out loud. I’m stealing that one.

    Liked by 1 person

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