#PersonifyME: Cila

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I’m frightened all of the time. I’m terrified of being abandoned, of being lonely, of change, of confrontational emotions. I’m always wondering if this is it, if I’m always going to attract the negativity, and the pain, and the suffering that I see all the time. Everything and everyone is burdened by the thought of me. I constantly sob all night long and I always desperately reach out to those I love in the hopes that they will console me. But I see that look in their eyes. It’s burned into my mind. They’re disgusted, put off, annoyed, done. I ask too much of them and then I lash out defensively so they won’t know how much pain they’ve caused me, to myself. And I hate the darkness because it’s usually accompanied by cold silence.

What do I do then, being in the dark and feeling numb? Maybe that’s why my eyes are shock white, clear as milk and thin like oil. I’ve been thrown away and ignored that I’ve grown used to the neglect, so I reluctantly seek out the darkness that is found within my heart. Does that make sense? It’s my fault, really. I deserve that restlessness, that turmoil of always wondering whether or not this will last. Somewhere, somehow I did something in my past that led me to this point of self-loathing…right

Cila
www.afineevening.wordpress.com

 

 

 

This project is run in partnership with Things Dre Makes, and will run for the whole month of May – Mental Health Awareness Month. The idea is to personify a mental illness or difficult emotion you are facing. 

Want to take part? Submit your entry here

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6 Comments

  1. TradeRoutz livingStyle

    Cila, I hear you. Mental Illness is HORRIFIC! it’s sad, lonely, guilt ridden, and makes one feel lost in the darkness. But please know that you are never alone. Even if you feel or think you are, it’s just your mind telling you so. You are loved by people you don’t even know. Dry your tears, look within, love yourself, and never ever seek approval from anyone! You are a Supreme Being. x x x

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Cila

      Thank you so much for the motivational words! ❤ I’m slowly starting to understand the timeworn statement of loving yourself first. It’s wonderful to see such an accepting community!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Deborah@TradeRoutz

        It’s a pleasure Cila, plus it’s true. Just KNOW who you really are my love. You’re not the illness. You are a perfectly perfect Supreme Being, that HAS an illness, which you can learn to control, instead of allowing it to control you. Yes, this loving community is a HUGE help and comfort to us all! have a happy day sweetness. x x

        Like

  2. insidemyhead42

    Cila, I can feel your pain so sharply, as so many times it has been mine in this life. You are not alone. Like Deborah says above…you are not your mental illness! Your mind plays tricks on you, just as mine does on me. We must never give up. I stand beside you. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Cila

      First, I just want to say, thank you for the follow! ❤ It’s really true what Deborah said and that’s why Bo exists – he’s not part of me but he’s not apart from me, if that makes any sense. I’m standing by you too!

      Liked by 2 people

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