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During the Rio Olympics 400m runner Shaunae Miller-Uibo (Née Miller) won the gold medal for the Bahamas to upset the pre-race American
FREEDOM!© favourite Allyson Felix, she did this though with a spectacular last gasp swan dive across the finish line* – something which is well within the rules, and let’s be honest, should be encouraged.
I had my Olympic race today. That is to say I had free time, I had a full nights sleep, and I seemingly had no depression at all. This is an event which only happens once every 4 years and I was ready; prepared even.
The line up was complete, in Lane 1 we had the outside favourite ‘Anxiety’, Lane 2 was filled by the veteran ‘Laziness’, Lane 3 was ‘Chores’, who had just come back from injury, I was in Lane 4, Lane 5 was the pre-race favourite ‘Procrastination’, Lane 6 was ‘Oh Look Shiney!’, Lane 7 was Piers Morgan and Lane 8 was the rookie runner ‘Headache’.
It was a strong line up, probably the most competitive line up in years. I’d been beaten regularly in all majors up until now but I was positive going into the race.
The race started and headache was instantly in the lead. I couldn’t cope, it was a bad one, cloudy and stumbling, Chores got away from me too, I knew if I’d got through the early bad patch though I could beat them on the home straight. In the mean time though procrastination was starting to catch up, which played right into the hands of Anxiety – who was looking strong out front. Ultimately though there wasn’t much in it, apart from Piers Morgan who was well behind, I think he was too busy berating minorities or searching Woodingdean Well* for his societal value. Unfortunately for me Headache just never faded, and stayed ahead of me the whole race, I did manage to labour past Chores and surely by definition Procrastination too. In the back straight it was down to me, Headache and Laziness.
It was at this point I channelled my inner Miller and decided to dive for the line, it was going to be close. I dived and… well I was a little premature
which has never happened before as I didn’t even cross the line. It was terrible, Chores ran past me, Procrastination and Laziness too, I was distracted by ‘Oh Shiney!’ and in an alternative universe Piers Morgan retired hurt.
4 years to get to a point where I could compete with these guys and the newcomer beats us all. It did transpire though that Thomapryrin* who is in charge of drug control disqualified Headache for breaking doping regulations. I still didn’t win, but I made a rather respectable 6th place finish.
So what I’m saying is, the day was OK, I had a bit of a headache, I took some tablets but ultimately remained unproductive and a bit lazy. Oh well, theres always another hypothetical fictional Olympics to compete in.
*Bending the truth for the benefit of the post here. It is true she flew across the line but it was unintentional.
*Deepest hand dug well in the world, and for the easily confused the inference was that Piers Morgans value is so low he would need to go physically lower to find it.
*This is a migraine drug.