I’ve never been much of a hell raiser, I mean, I almost got a 15 minute lunchtime detention for swinging on my chair in Mrs. Henderson’s History class – but other than that, my record is pretty clean. Suffice to say I’ve never had a run in with the law, unless it was Mr. Johns’ contract law class at university. The life of crime just never appealed to me, I never had a problem with authority and to be quite honest, there is rather poor job security in the criminal world – not to mention insufficient employment laws. They’d do themselves a favour by starting a union.
So being a law-abiding citizen I was surprised today to have the SWAT team smash through my living room window. Stunned I sat there as the main police person came over ‘Are you Paul Green?’ he said,
‘Err yes?’ I blurted.
‘Have you just finished working for some clients who just tipped you €50?’ he continued.
‘And have you in any way had massive insecurities about whether you deserve such a tip? Did you think they gave you it because you were genuinely good at your job or out of pity? Did you ever think you were actually the worst teacher they had but were embarrassingly told at the last-minute that they can’t be so rude to let me go without a tip? Or have you maybe been considering the idea that you knew you weren’t qualified and haven’t been doing a good job but took the tip anyway?’ he said.
‘Well, not until now, no.’
‘Ah ok, good, just checking. Anyway that was all, you look after yourself and don’t worry about the smashed windows or the crushing insecurities – have a good day’.
And with that he and the rest of the insecurity squad were gone. I was surrounded by broken glass and I was hit with a wave of insecurity without my wetsuit on. I had no time to prepare. I mean receiving a tip is supposed to be a positive experience, no? I’m not good at receiving gifts at the best of time, let alone ones attributed to my work performance.
Needless to say given the metaphorical nature of the SWAT incident the windows were easy to fix and the insecurities passed relatively harmlessly. And given the incidents reported tonight my slight bout of insecurity is rather inconsequential to say the least*. Stay safe.
*Both London, and Kabul were hit with what are reported to be terrorist attacks.