#143 Gaining Weight – ‘Being Productive Is Unhealthy’

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Being a slender man* with a fast metabolism I often channel my inner Al Gore and abuse this rather convenient truth and make documentaries eat whatever I like when I like. It wasn’t until I was in my early 20s that I realised that this option was not available for everyone else. My sympathy didn’t run very far but it did make me pause for thought between my 6th and 7th donuts.

I just never gain weight.

Given the vastly different approaches I’ve taken in my life, from eating junk food daily to training for an Ironman 6 days a week, my weight just never changes. I’ve always had a 5kg range with which my body says ‘yeah this feels fine, think I’ll just stay here’. And it does.

Just because I don’t gain weight however does not mean I don’t want to eat healthily, obviously gaining weight is only one of the negatives. If I eat too many donuts for instance I find it difficult to motivate myself after the sugar crash to go back to the donut shop to buy more donuts. Or when I used to drink carbonated sugary drinks from companies that rhyme with Boca Mola, I’d feel foggy and groggy. Then theres the regular occasions I’ve woken up to the realisation that I am in fact an actual prune. The salty rich foods from the night before have absorbed so much water that if I had any energy left I’d report the theft to my local constabulary.

I’ve largely changed this approach though, and having a vegan girlfriend basically means I have to start getting excited about things like cashew nuts, spinach and Almonds. Although I should also say that almonds are abundant in Tryptophan and Magnesium, both of which make you tired. Despite this I think eating healthier is the way, maybe I will just stay away from the almonds.

Staying away from almonds and junk food I started the productivity diet today. It is a rather simple diet to follow, you just need to be productive. Which is like saying; to have some success you just need to be successful, or to be fast you just need to be quick, or to be a damaged sociopathic narcissist you just need to be Donald Trump.

I was in fact productive today and I learned two things from it. The first thing is that my kitchen looks so much better with a sanded parquet floor than with cheap lino. Secondly productivity is very tiring, I managed to clean, wash, tidy, sand, recycle, dispose, vacuum, read, write, socialise and eat today. Very productive I am sure you will agree, but for the second realisation I had to put to use my 10 year old introductory philosophy course deductive reasoning to good use, and discover this;

Almonds are nuts*.

Eating almonds makes me tired.

Being productive makes me tired.

Productivity is nuts.

So there we have it productivity is officially nuts, something we have long suspected – clearly a crazy idea not worth your time. Unless you want a lovely sanded parquet floor of course.


*A thin person not the character from a horror story. 

*This is actually not true, Almonds are not nuts but actually catagorised as ‘Drupes’.



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  1. Becca

    LAIMO (Laugh Alone in My Office) at “If I eat too many donuts for instance I find it difficult to motivate myself after the sugar crash to go back to the donut shop to buy more donuts.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ibizagoldgirl

    Do you remember the Sm*rnoff Ice (nothing rhymes) ad: ‘Beware the judder man’ – sorry thats what came to mind!!
    Im fat and I do not lose weight or gain it either, I used to be a ballerina and started a running/yoga/ballet combo at 30 – whatever I do the battle to eat ‘healthily’ is confusing as I get more happiness from a beautifully crafted cake than anything else …. er oops


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