#146 Anticipation – ‘I Am Lying To Them’

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The skirting board is a mysterious materiality; no one really knows why it is there, but it is there. Sitting there at the bottom of the wall, where did it come from? Well if only there was a tool connected to everything and every bit of knowledge ever that I could use to find out. But there isn’t, so I will do what everyone else does these days and assume. Not only will I assume, but I will recite the information with an air of certainty and superiority because it supports my agenda*.

So it was probably definitely born out of the British Victorian era where modesty reigned*, a time when women couldn’t even show their ankles. Times have changed and women can now show whatever they like, but why, in 2017, can’t walls show their angkles*?

Well that is a whole other post, but today I found myself cleaning the skirting boards. This isn’t a regular occurance; it is typically reserved for state family visits, and tomorrow is one such occasion. My cousins are flying over to stay for a few days and that knowledge inspired me to clean the skirting boards (amongst other things).

This action would imply that my cousins have a particular interest in the cleaniness of my skirting boards – they don’t. I don’t even think they were even that dirty. So it brings us to a strange situation where I was cleaning something which didn’t need cleaning for people who don’t care that they exist, or even know why they exist, for no reason whatsoever.

Not only that, when they turn up tomorrow I will intionally play down the appearance of my apartment in order to look modest. ‘Ah, its nothing, I’m sorry the place is such a mess, just been so busy’ I’ll say. If I become anymore deceptive I’ll be replacing David Blaine on HBO only to then actually appear on the BBC.

I constantly hear that social media is toxic for misrepresenting reality but I have been doing that for years. I was into that before it was cool, I even have its rare demo tape from the 1990s, which actually wasn’t a tape at all*. I think it just shows that all the blame on kids today, should actually be pointed at our nature. We love to project an image that we want people to see; social media is just the perfect vehicle to realise our subconscious dream.

Still, theres no deception where my skirting boards are concerned, they genuinely are amazing. Instagram will be a dank skirting board heavier by the time you’ve read this.


*Little satire on modern political debate there. 

*In the modern era, telling women what to wear is called oppression but because this was an old British thing we have to call it modesty. 

*New word for the angle where the wall meets the floor – cleverly called angkles, because it sounds like ankles which links to Victorian era joke. I love when things come together.

*Thats a joke about misrepresenting misrepresenting. 




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  1. insidemyhead42

    Why does everything sound more interesting in British English? It’s like we Americans intentionally went about going, “Well, that is a far to interesting name! Joe, please assign a much more pleasing, boring and all around stupid name to this random thing! Ha HA! That’ll show those damn Brits and their taxes!!!”

    Liked by 3 people

          1. insidemyhead42

            You endear yourself to me so easily! (It took me over a fucking year to stop having to look up ‘smh’ when people used it, and so now I use it just because I am so fucking proud to remember what it means…there, I admitted it)

            Liked by 2 people

  2. unironedman

    You’d like the skirting boards I fitted in my gaff so… three-quarter inch quadrant, tacked into the floorboards, varnished once, and forgotten. Walls are rough plaster finish. I hate skirting boards. Mine are less ‘skirting board’ and more ‘pop sock board’.
    The only thing you can do to a skirting board to make them more intolerable is to gloss paint them.
    But yeah, hear ya on the social weirdness of tidying up for visitors. There’s an old gag in Ireland where the little girl calls into the shop with two toilet rolls and says “Mammy wants to know will you give her back the money on these… the visitors aren’t coming after all…”


  3. Courtney Lopez

    My grandfather builds houses for a living. He also has another name for baseboards: Trim. I have not been in a modern home that isn’t supposed to have trim, so it looks slightly odd to me. Not strange, just out of place! I had to take the trim from my bedroom to replace the flooring (because it looks better with wood flooring) and the dry wall underneath looks awful. I was glad to have my trim back 😀 I’m pretty sure another purpose for baseboards is that it covers up the ugly edge of dry wall (if that’s the material your walls are made of).


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