229 // Depression Makes Things Difficult In Moments Like This

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In the (brilliant) Monty Python movie ‘Life of Brian’, there’s a moment when people are chasing after who they suspect is yee old holy one, despite his pleas to the contrary. As he is running away through the desert he jumps down into a secluded hole to avoid detection by the ensuing crowd, only to the land on the foot of a man who rather aptly shouts; ‘oh my foot!’. Unbeknownst to Jesus Brian those are the man’s first words in 18 years. He was on a vow of silence you see, naturally of course what does one do when you finally break a vow of silence? You shout and dance around in the desert at the exact moment Jesus Brian needs you to be quiet.

Now, you’ll be surprised to learn that I’m not Jesus, and I’m not Brian. I haven’t even taken a vow of silence – well, not officially anyway, but I am all up for braking one. I’ve been quiet, too quiet, and if John Wayne is to believed that makes me very suspicious indeed. Unfortunately though, John Wayne is incorrect on this occasion, as there’s no great conspiracy forming behind the scenes, there is no plot to kill him and, well frankly, there is just a whole lot of nothing going on – hence the quietness. I mean that in terms of life events of course; I am still unemployed and I am still living in Ireland with my girlfriend and I have had zero interviews.

Mentally of course it is a different story.

To fully explain the situation I need the help of a Bajau fisherman from southeast Asia. This is because the Bajau fishermen have a unique way of fishing. They are the oldest of old school and they fish with a spear, a pair of goggles and a superhuman ability to hold their breath for extremely long periods of time. I don’t have a spear or a super human ability to hold my breath, but I do think I have a pair of old ‘Arena Sport Elite XS’ swimming goggles lying around somewhere. Not that I’ve been using them however.

I’ve been underwater this past month, or so it seems.

It is the same world as has always been, but it seems to have gone a bit ‘Atlantis’. Everything is in the same place, the house, the car, the living room, the kitchen, all the people. Everyone is where they should be, but they’re now all underwater. Everything has slowed down, it seems to take an age to move and to get places. I have also felt like I am a few seconds behind every conversation – but unfortunately for me, and my analogy, sound travels faster in water than in air. It is more muffled though, so the analogy is not lost yet.

The energy required to move around underwater is enormous. I remember as a kid trying to get the next level of swimming badge and it required that I jump into a pool with my clothes on and swim back to the edge – which I did (Little Dolphin Swim Champion Badge circa 1998.) Sadly though, I didn’t get the next badge (Big Dolphin Swim Through Depression As The World Gets Flooded And You Feel Suffocated circa 1999.) I’m learning as I’m going and it is tough, but I am getting through it.

This isn’t a comeback as such, more just checking in. I still haven’t decided what I want to do with the blog, whether I keep it going or change it somehow – maybe into a weekly thing, or even change the topic all together. I don’t exactly know the cause for this recent dip, but certainly in terms of blogging it became laborious and if I’m not excited or enjoying writing I think that will come out in the content. So we will see what happens on that front. As for my mental health though, do I expect a recovery? I’d say don’t hold your breath, but in my world we are all underwater so that would not be advisable.

A Bajau fisherman can hold their breath for over 5 minutes, I’ve managed 41762 minutes so far, and I haven’t even caught a fish yet*. So here I am, a month underwater, moving slowly, but I’m optimistic to make my ascent soon. Or maybe the water will drain away, or maybe I am just going to get better at living underwater. I suppose that means I’m less Bajau fisherman and more Sponge Bob Square Pants, but hey, you take what you can get at times like these.

Paul Green

*Don’t think that’s possible underwater and even if it did evaporate, I suppose that technically means the creativity has been liberated in the confines of this analogy. OK, I’ll just come out and say it; I’ve no idea what I’m talking about. 

*In fairness they have had a lot more practice than I have.

 

P.S Just want to say thank you to all the kind messages, emails and comments I’ve recieved in the last month. Unfortunately there are too many to get back to individually but I appreicate them all very much. I hope to be back catching up with all the blogs I’ve missed shortly and interacting again. 

 

 

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65 Comments

  1. elbycloud

    Thank God (or Brian). The disconcerting nature of this weird blogosphere is that people can disappear without a trace with no one outside the cult to let us know if it was just an unplanned vacation or something sinister. I’m dismayed to learn it’s more of the latter, but very relieved you are able to make it to the keyboard.
    Without trivializing your experience (or at least not intentionally), I want to share one of my favorite clips with you. It’s in return for the laugh your link provided me today.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Paul Green

      The mysteries of the blog world indeed, but I am very much around and floating through life as normal. Although I kind of wish I had a cool story to tell never the less. At least I came back to find out that I just need to ‘stop it’ haha. Thanks for the pick-me-up.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Paul Green

      Thank you, it means a lot. Things are improving, I’ve been putting all my effort into finishing the book of the blog – might, maybe, just quite possibly be out by Friday. Hope all is well with you, and I’ll be back writing properly soon.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. lexydragonfly

    I would like to have welcomed you back however, upon your return I was in the middle of a month long program and only getting on to post occasionally. Turns out when you do any kind of emotional related program (mine was an eating disorder) it is super exhausting afterward, who knew?! I thought I’d pop right back into my life, get right back into reading all my favorite blogs (yes, that includes yours) but alas, it was all laying on the couch and watching mindless TV. So, um, welcome back? I suppose I’ll find out as I catch up, lol.

    Liked by 1 person

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